Just How I Feel...

Just How I Feel....

today's journal entry is gonna be a little different.... I kind of want to base this entry off of how I really feel.  I really dont even care about you reading the journal anymore....its really becoming therapy.... my thoughts are always running but for some reason this just allows me to get it out.... I guess my question is how do i put the love that's so loud that I have for you on mute? I really just hate this feeling... you're my person and im last place....honestly I really don't even know if you think about me during the day.... After I see you the feeling of when Im gonna hear from you again truly hurts more than anything..... I'm getting use to you leaving, i'm getting use to not hearing from you to often, I'm getting use to distance...... its crazy because my thoughts were truly calling out for you today.. and the moment I wake up you texted me. The convo even felt weird....Like why are we even texting like this questioning when you can talk to me....like this can't really be life..... a schedule on when you can contact me is crazy.... and everyday i'm starting to realize how much at the bottom I am....  Im at the bottom steadily trying to find a way back up..... and its crazy because if i spoke to you about this I know what you would say.... I guess all im trying to figure out is a way back to your love even when I feel in last place....  But I told you I would go to war for you and the battle is within my thoughts... I guess we will see who wins......but im about to pray for you.... i texted you back, but no response.... But I love you Mary.....

Part 2.......

Never would I think I would return to this .... same night......my heart told me to text you at 11:11.......and you knew.....we spoke and you gave me clarification. Mary....I love you and I see you for who you are and I SEE YOU HEART MARY.... and I will continue to show you that.... you the paragraph above is my thoughts.....but this here is the growth of putting my heart first... and I want my heart to mirror the same beat and view of life as you... Goodnight Beautiful.......